To Shoulder the Pain
by bri1216
Summary: Merlin helps Arthur cope after the loss of his father, Uther. Onesht *possible twoshot* NO slash angst and bromance ensue
1. Chapter 1

"It's a new day." Arthur had opened the doors to find Merlin huddled on the stone floor. "Have you been out here all night?"

"I didn't want you to feel that you were alone." Merlin stood and stretched his cramped muscles, concern knitted into his brow.

"You're a loyal friend, Merlin." his chest tightened with gratitude towards his servant. No one had ever done such a pure or genuine gesture for him. "Come on, then." they began to climb the stairs to Arthur's chambers. "You can make us some breakfast."

"You know I don't actually make the food, right Arthur? I just bring it to you."

"What do you _actually_ do then, Merlin?"

Merlin smirked and playfully shook his head. "Look out for you." he said under his breath.

Merlin watched Arthur carefully for the next few days. During coronation, and his crowning as the King of Camelot; during his practices or council meetings; while he ate and even occasionally while he slept. Arthur seemed to be handling the death of his father very well, and that worried Merlin. Uther hadn't been himself since Morgana had betrayed him that day, yet he still breathed. Then the assassin had come in the night and Uther had saved his only son, but had been gravely injured in the process. He was all but dead, yet Arthur still help onto hope. And Merlin, disguised as Dragoon, had tried to save the King. He blamed himself; he should have checked for all kinds of wards. The King would have healed if not for the damned necklace. And Arthur would have seen that magic could be used for good. Now all he saw was that it played a part in killing both of his parents.

Merlin was just keeping a protective eye on the new King. Even pompous, arrogant king's couldn't be strong forever. And like Merlin had told him, he didn't want Arthur to feel alone. So he watched and he waited for the inevitable.

It came rather unexpectedly. A meeting with the knights was well underway and everyone was tired and getting a bit irritable. It was Sir Leon who suggested they take a break and reconvene after dinner.

"Is your growling stomach really more important than your Kingdom?"Arthur spat vehemently. "If so, then by all means, go eat. Drink. Be merry." he glowered at his men. "Grow fat and lazy while the people of Camelot die unjustly."

Sir Leon looked down at his hands, embarrassed.

"Whoa," Gwaine interjected and put his hands up in a mock surrender. "Take it easy, princess."

Arthur was up immediately, grabbing Gwaine by the collar and forcing him roughly against the wall. "I am your King now." he growled. "I could have your head for that."

Gwaine blinked unwaveringly and stared back, undeterred. "I apologize, your majesty." he nearly spat the words.

Merlin watched the exchange uneasily. "Sire..." Arthur blinked at Merlin's voice and released Gwaine. He turned and angrily knocked the goblet of water from the table before stalking off. Merlin quickly righted it and grabbed a nearby rag to mop up the spill.

"I'm going to dinner." Gwaine huffed and the other knight's hesitantly joined him.

Merlin made his way to the King's chambers. He entered, as usual, without knocking. Arthur was breathing heavily and becoming increasingly frustrated as he tried to remove his armor.

Merlin slid behind him, gently lifting the arm guard. Arthur grabbed at the chain-mail. "Just get it off, Merlin. I can't breathe!" Merlin pulled the chain-mail over the King's head and Arthur immediately began pacing. He rubbed his hands together, panting as if on the verge of sheer and absolute panic.

"Arthur," Merlin reached out to put a steady hand on his shoulder. "Please sit down." Arthur shook his head desperately, his breathes coming faster. Merlin halted him altogether and held his arms tightly. "Breathe."

"I," he gasped, "can't." he touched his chest. "Merlin, it hurts. You must get Gaius!"

Merlin shook his head and led the blonde to his bed. "You're alright. You just need to calm down."

"NO! No, Merlin. It's my chest." he rubbed it roughly. "My heart hurts!"

"You're alright, Arthur." He gingerly pushed the King's head down so it was between his knees. "You need to breathe." He kept his hand on Arthur's back, gently massaging the tense muscles in his neck. Arthur's breathing slowed, but his panic soon turned to grief as Merlin felt him being to tremble. His breathing hitched as he attempted to regain his composure. A choked sob escaped and Merlin tightened his grip. "Arthur," he whispered, leaning in closely. "It's okay." He draped one arm around his friend's shoulders, the other hand resting on his knee. "It's okay."

He wanted to tell Arthur to just let go, to cry, to grieve and let it all out. He knew he was hurting and angry and distraught and that allowing himself to feel these emotions would help him to move on. But if Merlin even uttered the words _cry_ or _let go_ , Arthur would build his walls back up as quickly as he could and say something like: ' _King's do not have the luxury of showing that kind of emotion'._ So the warlock settled on just telling him that it was 'okay' and leaving off the 'to cry'.

Arthur's breathing became increasingly ragged and Merlin was worried he would send himself into a fit again, so he pulled him closer. Surprisingly, Arthur allowed his head to be lead into the crook of Merlin's neck as Merlin took Arthur's hand and placed it on his own chest.

"Ssh." Merlin held his hand so Arthur could feel his heartbeat. "Match my breathing." he forced himself to take in air slowly and evenly as Arthur struggled to calm himself. "In and out. Match mine."

Arthur's strong frame wracked with an equally strong sob, choking on raw emotion. "...hurts-" he rasped.

"I know." Merlin whispered into Arthur's hair as the hand closed tightly in Merlin's shirt. "Just try to breathe." He never loosened his hold on the King, even as Arthur's breathing finally evened out.

Arthur pulled back, wiping his hand over his face and refusing to meet Merlin's eyes. Merlin rolled his shoulder, silently taking note of the wetness there.

After a few moments of silence, Arthur cleared his throat. "How did you know I was alright?" he sniffed loudly, the emotions already putting themselves in check. "I truly felt like I was going to die."

Merlin shrugged sadly. "It happens to me all the time. The first time was really bad-I felt like you just did. Like I couldn't catch my breath and my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. Everything started to get black and fuzzy..."

Arthur looked solicitous. "All the time? Is it like a sickness? Is there a cure?"

Merlin caught Arthur's eye and held his gaze. "It happens in times of great stress or need. When the weight of the world feels like it will crush you, that is how your body responds." Arthur nodded as tears pricked his eyes again. "But, there is medicine." Merlin put a hand tentatively between Arthur's shoulder blades. "Just talking to a friend can help. Letting them shoulder some of the pain."

"Who do you talk to, Merlin?" Arthur's voice was quiet, brooding.

"Well, like I said," he looked away then, feeling his own eyes well with tears. "I get the attacks quite frequently."

"Merlin," Arthur's voice had gotten very thick. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you feel you cannot come to me, even after all these years."

"It isn't that." Merlin was quick to respond, surprised at the look of hurt Arthur now held. "There are just...things I cannot discuss with anyone, not even my best friend."

"Why? Merlin you can tell me anything. I will never think any less of you."

Merlin saw genuineness in his king's eyes and drew in a long, shuddered breath. "Maybe another day." He tapped Arthur's knee and stood up. "Right now, let's get you some food and return to the council. I believe you owe your men an apology."

Arthur sighed. "I don't need to apologize, I'm King." he saw Merlin's pointed look. "Fine, you're right." he rubbed a hand through his hair and over his face. "I'm tired, Merlin."

Merlin nodded and squeezed Arthur's shoulder sympathetically. "I know. But you are not alone."

"Thank you, Merlin. Truly." Arthur pulled him into a quick embrace and cupped the nape of his neck. "Thank you for everything."

Merlin returned the gesture and together, they made their way back to the round table. He knew Arthur would grow to be the greatest king Albion had ever known. Sensitivity, equity, and friendship would play a large role in that. And he would never leave him alone, for that he was certain. Despite his personal burdens, he was happy to help shoulder whatever he could of Arthur's pain. "Anytime, Arthur. Anytime."


	2. Missing Scene 5x03

As soon as Arthur learned what the horn of Cathbhadh was and the powers that it held, he wanted to contact his father. He was set on the idea, despite Merlin's best efforts to change his mind. So Merlin went with him to the stones of Nemeton, because wherever Arthur went, Merlin surely followed.

Merlin watched anxiously as Arthur walked towards the shining light between the stones. It had been a few years since the death of Uther, and Merlin knew Arthur wanted not only to see his father, but to know his opinion of Arthur's Camelot. He wasn't sure what to expect when Arthur returned from his visit to the other side; honestly he was just hoping he returned at all.

Arthur knew his appearance was rather disheveled after the conversation with Uther. His father's words had cut deeply into him and he was still trying to make sense of it when he saw Merlin approaching. He wiped his hand across his face and cleared his throat, trying to compose himself.

"What happened?" Merlin asked tentatively.

Arthur sniffed deeply and shook his head. "Nothing."

"Was he there? Did you get to talk to him?"

"Merlin-" he started sharply but his voice fell. "Please, just drop it."

Fortunately for him, Merlin took the hint and settled for placing a hand on his shoulder. "Alright." he squeezed gently. "Let's make camp."

Later that night, Merlin fed the fire that Arthur absently stared into. "Do you want to talk about it?" Arthur blinked, coming out of his thoughts. "What happened at the stones?"

"It seems my father doesn't approve of the way I have chosen to rule his kingdom."

Merlin felt his heart sink. "You mean your kingdom."

Arthur shrugged and shook his head. "The things he said about the knights and Guinevere...what if he was right? What if I have weakened Camelot?"

Merlin scoffed. "Do you really believe that? You've always done what you believe to be right. People respect you." _They feared Uther. They love you._ Merlin could see Arthur's jaw clench tightly, working to keep his emotions in check.

"Thank you, Merlin." he looked away, wringing his hands together. Merlin knew these signs all too well. Arthur felt like he needed to be strong right now, he needed Merlin to help him.

"You know some people still think you're a foolish, arrogant ass." Make him smile, bring in humor. Help him build his walls back up.

"Who?"

Merlin smirked and shrugged pointedly.

"Very funny." Arthur rolled his eyes but he didn't smile. "We should get some sleep." he laid down, turning away from Merlin and focusing on breathing. Steady in and steady out. Merlin's face fell as he tried to get comfrotable. This was going to be hard for Arthur. But as usual, Merlin would be there for him, never letting him feel alone.

When Uther began haunting Camelot, and especially when he attacked Gwen, Merlin knew Arthur blamed himself. And while it was technically his fault, Merlin wasn't going to let him torture himself with guilt. He didn't want all of the burden to fall on Arthur.

They went after him together, with the help of a potion from Gaius. Separating to find the former king faster had not been their best decision. Merlin found Uther just after he had knocked his only son unconscious. He distracted him by calling him out, then revealing his magic, which only succeeded in thoroughly pissing Uther off. Now he was pinned to a door with a ghost charging at him. Just as the cold blue sword came at Merlin's chest, Arthur barreled in.

"Father!" Arthur held up the horn, knowing what he had to do. Uther's attention quickly turned from the warlock, incredulity showing in his phantom face.

"Arthur. No," he shook his head, unwillingly to return to the spirit world. " _please_. Whatever I've done I've done for Camelot."

Merlin could see the tears spring instantly to his friend's eyes.

Arthur felt himself shaking and took a deep breath. "You've had your turn." he looked into his father's eyes with more resolve than he ever had before. "Now it's mine." he brought the horn to his lips.

"Merlin has-" Uther didn't finish his sentence as the horn blared. He disappeared in a blur, the echo of the horn drowning out the words of his ghost.

Arthur dropped the horn from his mouth and released a soft sob. Merlin's eyes clouded with tears of relief and he looked to Arthur. _Thank you. It's over now. You're alright._ They looked at each other for a few moments as Merlin silently conveyed comfort to Arthur. _I'm here._

Arthur blinked rapidly, understanding everything Merlin was trying to tell him. He immediately moved to his side, attempting to dislodge the spears. Merlin noticed the hitched breathing and the tears on Arthur's cheeks as he removed the second spear and put his hands on the king's shoulders. "Are you alright?"

Arthur nodded curtly as his eyes darted around the room, trying to find anything else to focus on. "Are you?"

"Fine." Merlin wiped his own eyes, ridding them of any moisture. "Though if you hadn't have shown up when you did I would not be."

"Well, I would have been dead first if you didn't come and divert his attention." Arthur touched his head and winced. Merlin reached up and gently moved his hair back, taking a look at the gash on Arthur's head, as the seeping blood turned his blonde hair a dark rusted color.

"I can clean that for you." it wasn't bleeding heavily, but it did need cleaned and bandaged. "No need to wake Gaius or worry Gwen."

Arthur nodded gratefully. "Good idea." Merlin led him back into the abandoned throne room. He grabbed a rag and a basin of water, setting it on the table in front of the king.

Arthur stared vacantly into the darkness as his servant cleaned his wound. Merlin held the rag gingerly to his head, saturating his hair with the water. He had his other hand on the back of Arthur's neck, gently massaging his thumb into the tense muscles. "How do you feel? Do you feel dizzy or faint?"

The blonde shook his head dejectedly. "No, Merlin. My head is fine."

"Just want to be sure you don't have a concussion." Merlin rinsed the now pink cloth a final time before placing it on the table. He sat down next to Arthur. They were silent for what seemed like hours, but was only a few minutes.

"Was my father a bad man, Merlin?" the question was so quiet, Merlin would not have heard him had he not been sitting so close.

"No, Arthur." he started carefully. He never particularly cared for Uther, and his ways were not what Merlin agreed with. But he wasn't inherently evil. "He did the best that he could."

"But Merlin, that is all I am doing. What if all of my decisions are poor? How do I know that I am doing anything good?"Arthur's breathing was coming fast. He knew he had to calm down before he put himself in a fit of panic. He took a deep breath. "Am I failing Camelot?"

"Not at all. Arthur, you are a wonderful king! You are fair, honest, kind, and brave. I don't mean any disrespect but-" Merlin put a hand on Arthurs' chin, forcing him to look at him. "you are ten times the man your father could have ever even hoped to have been." Arthur's breath caught in his throat and he looked away.

"It's my fault he is gone. I killed him, for a second time."he stood up and started pacing.

"Arthur, no. What are you talking about?"

"The first time my father died, it was because I sought out that sorcerer. He killed him-" Merlin tried to protest but Arthur shook his head vigorously. "Then, all of this!" he waved a hand around the destruction in the room. "I was selfish; I wanted to speak to him. My foolishness brought him back to this world and then I sent him away for good!" he wiped his eyes, unwilling to let his tears fall. "All of it just to learn that he is disappointed in me as a king. As a son." The last word caught in this throat and he choked on a sob, shaking his head furiously.

"Arthur-" Merlin moved in front of the king, steadying him by gently grasping his arms. Arthur put a hand over his mouth and tried to stifle his tears. It resulted in a muffled whimper that broke Merlin's heart. He immediately wrapped his arms around his friend and brought him forcibly against him. Arthur tried to pull away but Merlin was stronger than he looked. "Listen to me. This is not your fault." he whispered firmly into Arthur's ear, keeping his arms tight around his shoulders. "You are a good man. And you are going to be the greatest king Albion has ever known."

Arthur finally relented to Merlin's hold and put his own arms around his friend. He released a ragged breath and felt Merlin's hand brush through his hair. He was so tired of feeling like the weight of the world had fallen upon him. He was feeling guilty, ashamed, and a bit despondent. He knew if he continued to deny his emotions, he would end up lashing out at someone who didn't deserve it or having a breakdown at the worst possible time. But here, with Merlin, he felt safe. Merlin wasn't going to judge him or tease him; he wouldn't bring it up later or talk about it to the other knights or Gwen. Merlin was just going to be here, in this moment, for him. In the darkness of the throne room, in the arms of his most loyal friend, Arthur Pendragon allowed himself to cry.


End file.
